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Love & Intimacy
May 4, 2021
Signs You Might Be Afraid Of Intimacy

Melissa Di Fonzo

Couple looks out into nature, resting their heads on each others' shoulders.

Do You Fear Intimacy?

Below are some quick things to look out for to see whether or not you might be afraid of getting too close in a relationship.

  1. You keep attracting emotionally unavailable people. If you notice this pattern in your dating history, this is a tell-tale sign that you are afraid of intimacy.
  2. You are overly critical of the other person for small things. Do you find yourself questioning your interest in your dating partner because you didn't understand the joke they told or because their teeth are a little crooked? In these moments, you might want to ask yourself whether these things really matter to you in the long run. Instead, you might want to focus more of your attention on whether your partner shares similar values to you, for example, do the two of you share similar views on monogamy and desires for the relationship?
  3. You feel bored when the other person does everything right. When you're used to feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and uncertainty, being with someone who doesn't trigger these things will likely feel 'boring'. Sometimes we tend to associate anxiety with chemistry when, in fact, these are two completely different things. You might want to ask yourself: Am I writing this person off because they genuinely aren't the right fit for me? Or is it that I fear developing an authentic connection with this human being?
  4. You tend to feel intensely about the person right away. Relationships take time. When you find yourself having intense feelings for another person early on in a relationship/dating experience, you may be projecting what you actually want to feel for that person without actually getting to know them. This gives a false sense of connection without actual intimacy. This is a red flag that should signal to you that you are not allowing yourself to connect on a deep level with this person.

Recognize Your Patterns

The good news is that once you become aware of your patterns, you can choose to work on them and make conscious choices to do things differently. Being able to talk this out with a therapist can help tremendously. Your therapist can assist you in reflecting your unhealthy patterns in your dating life and work with you to make changes that reflect your true desires and values.

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