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Love & Intimacy
December 7, 2020
A Quick Guide: Checking In With Your Partner

Mitch Evans

White couple holding hands with hot drinks on table.

Establish Meaningful Conversations

It is no secret that establishing and maintaining on-going communication will help promote the health and longevity of a relationship.

Throughout the last few months, you might have found that you are spending more time with your partner and feeling like you are communicating more than ever before, though you are still feeling disconnected. When it comes to communication, it is important to think about it in terms of quality over quantity. It is common for a couple's communication to plateau at sharing generally superficial information, and perhaps avoiding conversations that might require more emotional availability. A check-in provides the opportunity to build our emotional intimacy and express ourselves more authentically to ourselves, and our partners. This activity will help promote more meaningful engagement with your partner, as well as provide the space for you to reflect on how you have been doing as an individual.

The following guide will help you establish meaningful conversations with your partner.

Determine a day and time that works best for you

Ideally, this is a time that can be scheduled as a recurring event. To make this easier, you may choose to schedule check-ins on the first day of every month, and if you would like to increase the frequency of these chats, you can pick other easy to remember days of the month as well. It is up to you and your partner to determine how often you need to check-in. If you have been finding that you are feeling emotionally disconnected or out of sync from your partner, then it might be valuable to increase the frequency of these check-ins as often as once a week.


The next step is to collaborate with your partner to come up with a few check-in questions that help you both understand where you are currently at, and how you have been feeling. Here are a few sample questions:

  • What concerns have you had as an individual over the last few weeks?
  • Have you had any concerns about us as a couple over the last few weeks?
  • How have you been feeling about us lately?
  • Is there anything that has been making you feel stressed or anxious in the last few weeks?
  • What are a few things you have felt grateful for in your life over the last few weeks?
  • Is there anything you would change in your life? If so, what is it, and how can we address that?
  • What is it about me that you have felt grateful for over the last few weeks?
  • Is there anything coming up that requires more of our attention or preparation?
  • Is there anything else you would like to talk about?

Time to reflect

Take some time as individuals to reflect on those questions, so that you can come to the check-in prepared.

  • During your check-in, it is important to be present and actively listening to your partner. This is an opportunity for you both to offer vulnerability and support to each other and further develop your emotional connection.
  • Now that you have each gone through your questions, take the time together, to collaborate on a plan for how you can continue supporting each other moving forward. 

This guide provides a formal framework to check-in, though this may not be necessary for every couple. It might be just as useful for you to integrate informal check-ins throughout the week.

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