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The Rush of New Attraction
Early‑stage dating often feels like fireworks—texts light up your phone, anticipation takes over your day, and attraction seems magnetic. That intensity isn’t just emotional; it’s neurochemical. The brain’s “reward system” gets involved.
Specifically, dopamine fuels novelty, reward and that sense of “falling fast.” For many people, especially those who have ADHD or an anxious/ambivalent attachment style, that surge can be even stronger. The novelty, unpredictability and reward cues hit harder, making it easier to confuse intensity with intimacy.
Why the Spark Can Feel Addictive
Charm, inconsistency and mixed signals can trigger bigger dopamine spikes than steady interest. A partner who is unpredictable may feel more magnetic simply because their attention is scarce. This creates a loop: chasing the rush of intermittent connection, even if the relationship lacks stability.
It’s not just about poor judgment or low self‑esteem—it’s neurobiology. Our brains are wired to chase reward. In the context of digital dating, the “match” notification produces a dopamine‑spike and taps into old reward pathways.
The Risk of Mistaking Chemistry for Compatibility
Chemistry can feel powerful, but it doesn’t equal long‑term compatibility. When dopamine is dominating the early stages, red flags tend to get minimized—hot‑and‑cold behaviour, disrespect, unreliable communication may all get overlooked. Over time these patterns may reinforce anxious attachment: craving closeness while feeling insecure about the connection.
True compatibility, by contrast, shows up in character, consistency and emotional safety.
Attraction vs Attachment
Attraction is the spark—it thrives on novelty, intensity and dopamine. Attachment is what sustains—it’s built through trust, shared values and consistent presence.
For someone who grew up in unstable environments, or who has ADHD or an anxious attachment style, the dopamine surge can feel like attachment, but real attachment feels calming, not chaotic. It feels like being able to breathe, not constantly bracing for the next hit.
A helpful early‑dating question: Do I feel safe and settled with this person, or am I just hooked on the high?
Reframing Excitement
Slowing down in dating doesn’t mean giving up passion or settling for boring. Excitement doesn’t have to come from chaos or games. The most sustaining thrill is in being deeply known by someone who shows up, keeps their word and makes space for you to grow.
