The Hidden Cost of Holding It Together
So they grow into men who crave connection but fear that opening up will disappoint or burden others. Research on traditional masculinity norms shows that the stronger a man’s belief in toughness, self-reliance, and control, the less likely he is to seek help, even when experiencing severe symptoms of depression or anxiety.
Clinically, this is a pattern I often see in couples therapy: one partner expresses pain through frustration, while the other shuts down in shame. It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s that vulnerability feels like failure. What she experiences as emotional distance, he experiences as collapse.
Over time, emotional shutdown becomes second nature. Many men describe not an absence of feeling, but a lack of language for it — a kind of learned numbness. They can explain the logic of their stress, but not the texture of it.
The Cycle We All Reinforce
This silence doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Parents, partners, peers, and even social media reinforce it. We expect men to “have it together.” We laugh at emotional honesty, calling it “soft” or “feminine.”
Even online, men who express sadness or sensitivity are often mocked, usually by other men, for breaking the unspoken rule: don’t show weakness. But the irony is that suppressing emotion increases stress hormones and lowers emotional regulation, both of which are linked to higher cardiovascular risk and poorer mental health outcomes.
When emotional pain has no outlet, it often shows up elsewhere: overworking, irritability, substance use, or emotional withdrawal.
If You Love a Man Who Struggles to Open Up
It’s painful to watch someone you love stay silent. But before pushing him to “just talk,” pause and reflect on your own reactions.
When he does share something vulnerable — maybe frustration, fear, or sadness — what happens inside you?Do you tense up? Try to fix it? Quietly wish he’d go back to being the steady one?
You might logically believe that men deserve to share their emotions, yet still feel safer when they don’t. That’s understandable. Many of us were taught that male emotional control equals security.
Awareness changes everything. When you notice that reflex, try staying present instead of correcting or minimizing. Curiosity, not solutions, creates safety. When he feels met instead of managed, he’s more likely to try again.
For Men: A Practice to Start Reconnecting
If you’re a man reading this, here’s a simple practice to begin reconnecting with yourself. At the end of the day, ask:
“If I couldn’t say ‘I’m fine,’ what would I actually be feeling?”
Pick one word — tired, worried, lonely, numb.Say it out loud, or write it down.
Then, once this week, share one of those words with someone you trust. Just one sentence. No disclaimers. No joke at the end.
That’s it. You’re not weak for doing this, you’re rewiring years of conditioning that told you emotions were dangerous. This is how strength actually looks.
A Cultural Shift, One Conversation at a Time
As therapists, partners, friends, and family, we can help rewrite this story.Let boys cry without shame.Let men talk without ridicule.Let strength include softness.
Men’s Mental Health Month is more than a date on the calendar. It’s a collective reminder that asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom. You don’t have to wait until you’re breaking to reach out. You don’t have to carry it alone.
You’re allowed to feel.
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