Holding It All Together? The Check-In Continues With Our Men's Mental Health Month Q&A

You made it through the meeting, answered every email, and remembered the thing your boss mentioned last week. Then you got home, sat down on the couch, and didn't really get up again. Nobody at work would guess how much the day took out of you, and part of you still wonders why everything feels so much harder for you than it seems to for everyone else.

This week in The Check-In, our Men's Mental Health Month Q&A series, we asked Nadia McNairn, MSW RSW, a Shift Collab therapist who supports high-achieving adults through ADHD, people pleasing, and burnout, the questions we hear most from men with ADHD who look fine on the outside. If getting started is where you get stuck, Valerie's post on what to do when you can't start, can't focus, and can't prioritize is a great next read.

What Does Nadia Recommend for Men With ADHD?

Here's the quick version:

  • Still hearing "lazy" in your head? Get curious about whose expectations that voice carries, and make room for grief.
  • Acting first and dealing with the fallout later? Create a pause outside of your head, and decide on it ahead of time.
  • Running on empty after work? Give yourself a low-demand transition home, then notice what kind of rest you actually need.
  • Ashamed when you let someone down? Separate "I did something that hurt someone" from "There's something wrong with me."
  • Wondering what therapy can help with? Practical skills like getting started and following through, plus the shame and pressure that build up around them.

"Growing up, I got called lazy or told I wasn't living up to my potential, and part of me still believes it. Now that I know it's ADHD, why does that voice stick around?"

Nadia: When you hear those messages repeatedly, especially growing up, they can become part of how you understand yourself. You might start anticipating criticism and getting there first: "If I'm hard enough on myself, maybe I'll finally get it together."

An ADHD diagnosis can offer a different explanation, but it takes time for that understanding to change how you feel about yourself. You might intellectually know you were struggling while still feeling like you should have tried harder.

In therapy, we can get curious about that voice: whose expectations does it carry? What happens when you don't meet them? We can also make room for grief around the support or understanding you needed. Over time, the aim is to respond to difficulty with more accuracy and care: "I'm having trouble getting started. What would help me here?"

"I've quit jobs, bought things I didn't need and jumped into plans without thinking them through, then had to deal with the fallout. What's one small thing that can help me slow down before acting?"

Nadia: One small strategy I'd suggest is creating a pause outside of your head. For decisions that can safely wait, that might mean leaving something in your cart overnight or writing the message without sending it until tomorrow.

Decide on that pause ahead of time, because remembering to slow down in an emotionally charged moment can be difficult. You could even have a person you check in with before a big purchase or decision.

During the pause, ask yourself: "What am I hoping this will change for me right now?" Sometimes there's excitement; sometimes there's frustration, boredom, or a strong need to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Understanding that can give you more choice about how to respond.

Thinking about therapy? Meet our therapists who specialize in men's mental health

No items found.

Thinking about therapy? Meet our therapists who specialize in men's mental health

"I hold it together all day at work, then get home and have nothing left. I'm on my phone or on the couch for hours. What's a better way to recharge after work that actually leaves me feeling rested?"

Nadia: I'd start by getting curious about what "holding it together" requires from you. Are you constantly redirecting your attention, managing overwhelm, or worrying about making mistakes? That can take a lot of energy.

Before expecting anything else of yourself, try giving yourself a small transition home: something to eat, a shower, comfortable clothes, or ten minutes somewhere quiet. Choose something with very little demand attached to it.

Then notice what kind of rest you actually need. Quiet might help when you're overstimulated; movement or connection might help when you feel restless or disconnected. Your phone may offer an easy break, but it's useful to notice how you feel afterward. The aim is to find a few accessible ways of resting that leave you feeling more replenished.

"When I forget something or let someone down, I feel like a bad partner or a failure. How do I take responsibility without feeling so ashamed of myself?"

Nadia: It can help to notice the difference between "I did something that hurt someone" and "There's something wrong with me." Guilt can point toward something you want to repair. Shame can make the mistake feel like a verdict on your whole character. ADHD may help explain why something happened, and the impact still deserves attention. You can acknowledge someone's disappointment, apologize, and put a support in place without attacking yourself.

In therapy, we might explore why a missed task becomes evidence that you're unlovable or unreliable. What have mistakes come to mean about you? Building self-esteem includes learning to see yourself more fully, so that your difficulties don't erase your care, effort, strengths, or capacity to grow.

"What are some things therapy can actually help with for guys with ADHD?"

Nadia: Therapy can help with practical things like getting started, managing commitments, responding to impulses, and communicating what you need. It can additionally help with the emotional weight that sometimes builds around those difficulties: shame, frustration, relationship tension, or feeling like you're always letting someone down. For some men, there's also pressure to be capable, independent, and in control. Admitting that something is difficult or asking for support can feel exposing.

We can explore those expectations while building strategies that fit your actual life. That might mean learning how to repair after conflict, recognize overwhelm earlier, or follow through without relying on constant self-criticism.

Looking for Support That Gets Your ADHD Brain?

Shift Collab's ADHD Clinic matches you with a therapist who understands how ADHD shows up in real life, from the pressure to keep it all together at work to the moments at home when there's nothing left. Every session is virtual, so you can get support from anywhere in Canada, and it all starts with a free 15 minute Meet & Greet.

  1. Want to work with Nadia? Book a free Meet & Greet with Nadia.
  2. Want us to find your match? Take our ADHD Clinic matching questionnaire.

Disclaimer: This blog is for general information only and isn't a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading it does not establish a therapist-client relationship with Shift Collab or any affiliated therapist. That relationship begins only after intake, consent, and a paid Initial Session. If you're in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 or call 911. See our Privacy Policy for how we handle your information.

Nadia

McNairn

Registered Social Worker
•

Nadia is here to help you work through people pleasing, conflict avoidance, ADHD, and the quiet exhaustion of holding everything together for everyone else.

book with
Nadia
More BLOGS